Lots of people erroneously assume that with the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, the Velociraptor danger was also eradicated. This could not be less true. Yes, a meteor killed the velociraptors. No, the meteor did not destroy the velociraptor spirit.

I'm not talking about ghost velociraptors. That would be ridiculous. I'm talking about the inexorable, indomitable velociraptor essence that still survives today in various forms. You see, when the meteor hit (and this has been proven so many times by scientists that I won't bore you with the details) the velociraptor was atomized beyond recognition. Its spirit, however, attached itself to the bits of matter and organisms that survived the blast. Over time, various animals, humans, and natural forces have exhibited the velociraptor spirit.

The velociraptor spirit is not always bad, but it usually is. Sometimes the velociraptor lends strength to a person or animal in danger, granting them the energy to run faster or jump higher than they naturally could in a time of need. This is when the velociraptor is used for good. The trouble comes when a person, animal, or natural force harnesses the velociraptor for evil, and holds it for an extended period of time. Such is the case with tidal waves, earthquakes, or people who win the Gold medal in the 100 meter dash like, 4 years in a row. These events are dangerous because there is too much power being harnessed by one individual/natural force.

The Samuel Merrin Organization Response

People who suffer from migraines usually have a touch of velociraptor in them. Also, anyone who honks at you if you take too long at a stoplight, or parents who insist on bringing their crying babies to movie theatres. Men who wear tank tops, Rihanna, and anyone involved in professional wrestling probably also are channeling the velociraptor.

The key to coping with the velociraptor spirit in modern life is understanding. If you see someone who seems to be acting like a velociraptor (telltale signs may be shriveling arms, the ability to run quickly, and a penchant for raw meat) leave the area where they are and return in about 20 minutes. They should be better by then.