Picture this: you're walking through a field. Maybe it's a field of wheat. Maybe the wheat is swaying in a warm breeze. What do you feel right now? Peace? Tranquility? Calm?

Wrong.

What you feel is the light flapping of the wings of a dragonfly. What you hear is an annoyingly persistent buzz. What you see is a tiny insect with a foreboding name and a crunchy exoskeleton. What you know is that your life is about to change.

Studies have shown that in recent years, 98% of humans who have been bit by a dragonfly have turned directly into dragons. The 2% who escape becoming dragons just continue to be humans, not knowing that they have defeated considerable odds to maintain their mammalian and decidedly non-mythological organic structure.
So if you say you've spent time in close quarters with a dragonfly and come out of the episode unscathed, thank your lucky stars, my friend.

As more people come to grips with reality, questions start to arise about dragonflies. Below I've listed an FAQ section on dragonflies, dutifully researched, that I hope will clear up any doubts.

 

 

Dragonfly FAQ

Is it true that dragonflies are actually all male?
Yes. Female dragonflies do not exist.

Then how do they procreate?
Well, there are female insects called damselflies that are remarkably similar to dragonflies. I imagine they procreate with them.

What is the difference between a damselfly and a dragonfly?
Their names. Also, one is more likely to cry while watching a Susan Sarandon film.

Which one cries while watching Susan Sarandon?
The dragonfly, because it finds Susan Sarandon relatable.

Why is that?
Because Susan Sarandon looks like a dragon.

Is it true that when a dragonfly bites you, you turn into a dragon?
Yes.

How long does it take for the transformation to take effect?
Six minutes.

Why haven't I seen any dragons around anywhere?
You probably aren't very observant. Look harder.

I read somewhere that only very large dragonflies bite, and they don't break the skin.
Where did you read that, the November issue of Not True Magazine?

I don't remember where I read it.
Well get your sources right, and then come talk to me.

Okay, sorry I bothered you.
Good. I'm glad you're sorry.

 

The Samuel Merrin Organization Response

SamuelMerrin.org isn't here to scare you about the dangers of dragonflies: rather, our proposition is to inform. So, what should you do about this growing threat? Probably stay away from lakes and open fields, and if you see a dragonfly, run away. Unless of course, the idea of growing scales and breathing fire is appealing to you. But don't get seduced by the idea of breathing fire. It's nowhere near as cool as it sounds. Have you ever burned your tongue on some hot tea? It's like that, but if the tea was on fire, and you filled your mouth with it, and then spat it at people.